I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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