I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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