So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
