she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
