If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
