definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
