Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
