There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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