Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
