please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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