I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
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There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
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Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK