I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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