I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
