i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
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He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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