ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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