I think my vagina is haunted
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
