I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
