I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
