she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
