I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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