i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
