life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
