Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
