I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
