My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
