I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
