Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize