The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
