im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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