I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
