Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
