He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
