I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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