i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
