i was born a porn star she said
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
