All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
