Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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