Your tits are I can't wait for
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
