I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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