rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
