It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
