dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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