Don't make out with my wife yet
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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