a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
