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I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
