she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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