i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
