I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
