good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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