I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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