I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
