So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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