this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
