He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
