oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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