glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
